Tango In Paris
by DarkSharknado
Summary: Cubert and Dwight get accepted to a prestigious boarding school in Paris. Their hopes for a better education are shattered when they're kidnapped by Arabliens. Bender uses his 'particular set of skills' to track them down. Hermes joins him on the mission. Based on the movie Taken. Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg do not appear in this fanfic.


Work Text:

Note: Another Bender and Hermes fanfic that's sure to please. Always wondered why Futurama never made fun of or mentioned the crisis in the Mid East. All of the other adult cartoons like South Park , Family Guy, and American Dad have made fun of the war in the mideast. In this fanfic, I wanted to show that if Futurama did do something about the crisis in the mideast, the war over there and their hatred for America would still exist in the 3000s. So, I wrote this fanfic. Enjoy!

Futurama

Fanfic Title:

Tango In Paris

by: Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene (the theme song plays in a French Accordian tune)

Futurama

You Won't 'Forget Paris' After This Episode.

Screen: Hulk Hogan's Rock N' Wrestling

Scene 1:

One fateful October afternoon at Wozniak Nerd Academy, Cubert and Dwight were in science class. Until they heard a voice on the intercom.

Intercom: Cubert Farnsworth and Dwight Conrad. Report to the Principal's office at once!

As Cubert and Dwight were about to go, Brett Blob degrades them.

Brett Blob (singsong voice): HA HA HA HA HA! You dweebs are in trouble!

Robot Teacher (shouting): BRETT BLOB! Sit down in your seat at once! NOW!

Brett did so, as Cubert and Dwight were speculating as they were walking down the hallway to the Principal's office.

Cubert: What do you think the prinicipal wants from us?

Dwight: Have no idea. It cannot be good.

Cubert: I hope it's not another parent/teacher confrence. Dad embarrased me the last time.

Dwight: If it is, my dad will be disapointed if I got in trouble over something. But, I don't see what it is we're going to be punished for. We're good kids!

They both assumed they were in trouble and did something bad. Then Cubert and Dwight walk into the prinicipal's office and see the Prinicipal who was Old Man Waterfall. Mayor Poopenmayer was there too.

Old Man Waterfall: Hey, Cubert and Dwight have a seat.

Dwight (sitting down): Okay.

Cubert: What did we do? We're not in trouble, are we?

Old Man Waterfall: You two are our top students here at Wozniak. What we want to tell you is we're proud of you both are excelling.

Dwight: Really? Awesome! What's your point here, Prinicipal?

Cubert: (laughs) We both thought you had bad news for us!

Mayor Poopenmayer: We don't. We can assure you that. We're here because we are going to give you an opporunity to enrich your education even further.

Cubert: What's this opportunity you speak of?

Old Man Waterfall: How would you guys like to go to Boarding School in Paris? At Arch De Triumphe. It's an all boys boarding school!

Dwight: Paris?

Cubert: We get to study aboard?

Dwight: Always wanted to do that!

Cubert: Where can we sign!?

Mayor Poopenmeyer: There's nothing to sign. The state of New New York pays for it. Time for me to raise taxes! Plus, a degree from this school can set you up with any job you want!

Old Man Waterfall: You both have always complained about how you're not challanged enough. Besides, you guys don't need this school anyway. This Boarding School is every geeky boys dream come true! No bullies, no girls, Dungeons and Dragons tournaments on weekends...

Mayor Poopenmeyer: All you need is your parent's permission, and you leave first thing next week!

Cubert and Dwight: All right! This is awesome! (both laugh)

Scene 2:

At Planet Express Cubert and Dwight were telling Farnsworth, Bender, Hermes, and Scruffy the good news.

Cubert: Good news, everyone!

Farnsworth (laughs): He takes after his father.

Hermes: What's this good news? Will it bring good cheer?

Dwight: You bet it will!

Cubert (holding a permission slip): We got accepted to a Boarding School!

Dwight: Yes, we did! They were so proud of who good we're doing our studies there! It's like getting a promotion!

Hermes (takes permission slip): Let's see what we have here...

Farnsworth and Hermes both look at the permission slip.

Hermes: Sweet Wheels of Ferris, you're going to...PARIS?!

Cubert: Indeed we are!

Dwight: Isn't that great?!

Farnsworth: NO! I don't think so!

Cubert (confused): Why not?

Bender: Why don't you tell us what's so wonderful about this school? How can school be great?

Dwight: You have to let us go to Paris, Dad!

Hermes: Afraid I can't it's not safe...

Farnsworth: Besides, Planet Express isn't exactly making me a millionaire...

Cubert: No sweat. The state pays for it.

Dwight: They told us a degree from here can set us up with any job we want!

Hermes: I can afford to take you, but I fear for your safety, Dwight.

Dwight: Yes, this school can take our education very far!

Cubert: I can become a scientist like you Dad and take over Planet Express!

Dwight: I can take over the beurcracy like you want me to.

Cubert: This Boarding School has everything a nerd can ever want! No bullies, better education systems for science...

Dwight: Economics too!

Cubert: Dungeons and Dragons tournaments on weekends...No most importantly...

Dwight and Cubert (together): NO GIRLS! Let us go! Let us go! Let us go! Please let us go! (both sob)

Bender: You know, it's not such a bad idea sending them to Paris...

Hermes: Bender, please...

Dwight: Well you give it another chance?

Hermes: Tell you what. We'll give it 24 hours to think about it.

Cubert and Dwight walk away dejectedly.

Dwight: Fine Dad.

Cubert: See you in 24 hours.

Bender: What I wanted to say is, it could be a good idea to get them out of your hair for a while!

Farnsworth: Bender! You don't understand the human condition of being a parent.

Bender: I do so! Remember Ben? I sent him to Bending School. I wanted to, so I can never hear from him again! You both can do the same with those annoying little squirts! (seceretly looks at a picture of Ben) Daddy misses you (sob)

Hermes: You may not have feelings for your family, but we do! And we do NOT think our kids are in the way of our lives!

Farnsworth: Stay out of this!

Bender: Whatever...(walks off.)

Scene 3:

24 hours later, Farnsworth and Hermes have rendered a decision. They meet at a Malt Shoppe. Bender was there as well. Cubert and Dwight enter the Malt Shoppe.

Bender (gives them milkshakes): Nothing like milkshakes to hear about bad news from your parents.

Cubert (taking his milkshake): I'll ignore that.

Dwight (taking his milkshake): So, Dad, did you reach a decision?

Farnsworth: Yes we have.

Hermes: We decided to let you go to Paris!

Cubert and Dwight: YAY!

Farnsworth: Only under these conditions. Tell them Hermes.

Hermes (takes out clipboard): Call us as soon as you get there.

Cubert: OKay.

Hermes: Call us everyday and let us know what you're doing!

Dwight: We'll do! (cheering)

Cubert: We're going to Paris! (high fives Dwight)

Farnsworth: There's a flight that leaves for Paris in 2 hours.

Bender: WHAT? There's flights at airports in this time? Why not take them in the Planet Express ship?

Hermes: If you want to travel around Earth, then yes!

Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Off to Paris you go! Hermes will drive you.

Later on, Hermes drives Cubert and Dwight to LaGuardia Airport. Bender was there, too.

Hermes: You remember the rules, right?

Dwight: Right. Call you when we get there, and call you everyday.

Hermes: Attaboy! Little Risktaker!

Bender: Too bad I have to carry the luggage of these brats!

Cubert: This is going to be so exciting! Our boarding school is called (in fake French accent) The Arc Dr Truimphe.

Hermes: Good thing you told us that!

Dwight: Don't worry, Dad. We're going to be just fine.

Hermes: I don't know. I'll always worry. That's like telling water not to be wet. We're here.

Bender and Hermes check into the airport and buy tickets for Cubert and Dwight. Bender carries the luggage into the baggage claim.

Hermes: Bender. Take a picture of them.

Bender: Grrr! Is this only thing robots are good for? (takes out a camera from his compartment): Say, cheese!

Cubert and Dwight: CHEESE!

Bender gives the picture to Hermes.

Hermes: You better catch your flight, boys! Goodbye and good luck!

Cubert: Goodbye! We'll call you when we get there! Promise! (goes through the metal detector along with Dwight)

Dwight: Bye, Dad! Come to visit us, too! I'll notify you when I first land!

Bender: Later brats! Bring me back some of that French wine! Or I'll have Frat Bot sit on you! (laughs)

Hermes: Good bye. (under his breath): Be safe, my son. (cries) Did I make the right decision?

Bender: Of course you did! Now you can have some alone time with Labarba! Now, enough of the tearful goodbyes! You'll see them again when they're 18!

Hermes: That's what hurts me the most. (cries) They grow up so fast, don't they? It's like yesterday Dwight was just a baby.

Cubert and Dwight go through Customs and go to the Concourse Gate where they boarded their flight to Paris, France. Bender and Hermes leave La Guardia Airport as Hermes looks at the picture Bender took of Cubert and Dwight. They both head back to Planet Express.

Scene 4:

Cubert and Dwight's plane landed in Paris. They were both at the Paris International Airport now. They have their luggage with them, and they look around and are impressed about what they see. It's also very warm there for October.

Dwight: Wow! Paris is awesome! Why is it warm there this time of year?

Cubert: There was a huge blizzard that hit Europe back in 2456. Once the snow thawed, the whole continent got an eternal spring ever since. Never snowed there again.

Dwight: Gives new meaning to the phrase, "Hope Spring's Eternal".

Cubert and Dwight both laugh.

Dwight: How are we going to get to Arc De Triumphe?

A Mysterious French Man approaches them.

French Man: Excuse me. Did you say you needed a ride to Arc De Triumphe?

Cubert: Yes, are you a cab driver?

French Man: No. I'm the guy who drives the boys to that school. Where are you boys from?

Cubert: New New York.

French Man: Ahh, ze Big Apple! 'Start Spreading The News' as that Frank Sinatra and that Rat Pack once sang.

Dwight: Can you take us there?

French Man: That's what I'm here for. Get inside.

Cubert and Dwight entered the hovercar as the French Man was driving them to the school. Once they get there, he drops them off. The Arc De Truimphe Boarding School looks like the monument, but in the form of a huge building. Then Cubert and Dwight run inside the school with their luggage, and look for their dorm.

Cubert: Thank you very much.

Dwight: We'll get off here.

Then Cubert and Dwight were gone, the French Man morphed himself into a Arabian looking zombie/vampire mix. He talks on the phone. He was really an mideastern alien called an Arablien!

French Man (now an Arablien): Yes. (On the phone) I got the boys here. They're in this school I drove them to. They're about 12 or 13. Come over right away so we can take them.

Cubert and Dwight check out their dorm room. It had beds, dressers, lockers, computer, and radio.

Dwight: Wow! Look at this (looks out window): Our room has the view of the Seine river!

Cubert: You're right! That is so cool! We'll have spectacular sights to look at while we study!

Dwight: So glad our fathers let us come here.

Cubert: Duly noted! WOO! This is so exciting! Can't wait to see what educational adventures await us!

Dwight: What do you say we celebrate taking our education to the next level with some mood music? (turns on radio)

Cubert: Yeah! All right! Just because we're gifted, doesn't mean we can't be kids!

Dwight: WWWOOOO!

The song that was playing on the radio was Sean Paul's Get Busy. Dwight was dancing to the song as was Cubert. Then Cubert remembers he forgot to call Farnsworth!

Cubert: Holy schnikes! I forgot to call my Dad!

As Dwight was still dancing to the song, Cubert ran into the bathroom to call Planet Express. He used his video cellphone. At Planet Express, Farnsworth answers the phone. Hermes was behind him to listen in.

Farnsworth (over phone): Planet Express?

Cubert (over phone): Dad! it's me!

Farnsworth (over phone): Cubert? I told you to call when you landed.

Cubert (over phone): Sorry I forgot Dad, it won't happen again.

Hermes: Did Dwight make it there, okay?

Farnsworth: Seems like he did.

Hermes: Whew! Thank heavens.

Farnsworth (over phone): So, Cubert. How's Paris?

Cubert (over phone): It's awesome, Dad. Me and Dwight here are celebrating and...

Then Cubert sees three Arabliens break into their dorm.

Cubert (over phone): Oh, no!

Farnsworth (over phone): What is it, Cubert!

Cubert (over phone): Someone broke into our dorm!

Farnsworth (over phone): WHHHHAAAAATTTT?

Hermes: What's going on?

Bender was upstairs watching from a distance drinking a beer.

Farnsworth (over phone): Help me help you, Cubert! What does he look like?

Cubert (over phone): He looks like a vampire/zombie mix dressed like an Arab!

Farnsworth (over phone): Arabliens! Quick! Run!

Cubert then sees Dwight get taken away.

Hermes (panicked): Ask Cubert about Dwight, please!

Farnsworth (over phone): What of Dwight?

Cubert (over phone): They got Dwight! I think they're going to get after me!

Hermes: Oh no! This is my worst nightmare come true! It's everything I feared! (shaking)

Farnsworth (over phone): Hide under the bed, Cubert.

Cubert runs under the bed, and the Arabliens take Dwight away, and some come upstairs for Cubert.

Farnsworth (over phone): Now, they're going to take you too, look all around.

Cubert (over phone): Okay. I see...Ohhhhhh...I'm so scared and...(screams)

The Arabliens drag Cubert out from under the bed as he screamed in fear. His vidphone remained.

Hermes: Sweet Candy Corn of the Tropic of Capricorn! Dwight's been kidnapped!

Bender (runs downstairs): What the hell is going on here?

Farnsworth: Cubert and Dwight have been kidnapped!

Bender: Oh, really? (snatches the vidphone away from Farnsworth) Give me this you petty excuse for a Professor! (talks into vidphone to the Arablien): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But I want to you know I have a particular set of ass kicking skills! (uses tape recorder and records) I will use my skills to track you down and squeeze (beep) out of your intestines! Did I just make a Three Amigos referenece? You damn right I did!

Arablien (over phone in French accent): Good luck!

Bender (shows tape recorder): There! Recorded his voice.

Farnsworth and Hermes did nothing but cry.

Hermes: I'm going to call Labarbra.

Scene 5:

Off. Smitty and URL were at Planet Express. As was Labarbra. Bender was listening in the distance.

Farnsworth: Is there any way you can track them down?

Off. Smitty: Afraid not, Professor. If they're not found in 96 hours, they could get killed.

Labarbra: Oh, husband! (sob) Our baby Dwight! What are we going to do?

Hermes: What exactly are these Arabliens?

Off. Smitty: They're aliens from the planet Saudi Arabistan. Their culture is like all the Mideastern countries in one.

URL: They pray on young tourists in Europe. They also diguise themselves as Europeans then morph into Arabliens when they want to capture tourists.

Labarbra: What do they do with these tourists?

Off. Smitty: Well, the girls they capture to sell them into harems.

Hermes: What do they do with the boys?

URL: Kidnap them, brainwash them, sell them as soliders so they can fight in war. Low down dirty shame!

Hermes (hugs Labarbra as he sobs): Do me a favor.

Labarbra: Anything Husband!

Hermes: Divorce me! I have failed. Failed as a husband, a father, and a beuracrat. (sob)

Labarbra: No. I shall do no such thing. When we got married, we promised to stick together in times like these...

Off. Smitty: Most Arabliens work for the Taliban.

Hermes: Go back with Barbados Slim. You deserve better than me. (sobs)

Bender: All right! That's it! I have had it with these Tender Tragic Moments! Think I know what our next adventure is going to be...

Scruffy: What exactly are you going to do?

Bender: You'll see. You can't be part of it.

Scruffy: Not like I wanted to.

Farnsworth: Thanks anyway, officers!

Off. Smitty, URL, and Labarbra left as Hermes goes to the balcony to reflect.

Scene 6:

Out on the Planet Express balcony, Hermes is crying his eyes out. Bender is inside.

Hermes (sobbing): Sweet Yamahas of The Bahamas!

Looking down, Hermes has the picture of Cubert and Dwight just before they left.

Hermes (crying): Oh, Dwight. (sobs) I never should have let you go to Paris! (sobs) I failed you. It's all my fault! All my fault! (cries) You were supposed to take my place when I retire.

Bender: Psst! Hey, Hermes! Come here! Got something to show you.

Hermes (walking inside): I am in no mood for your crazy playing and schemes!

Bender: It's not what you think. I know a way to get Cubert and Dwight back.

Hermes: Leave me alone. (sobs) Can't you understand how I feel right now...(cries)

Bender: Since the police aren't going to help us, we're going to have to take matters into our own hands!

Hermes: How would you feel if that were Ben out there?

Bender: Hear me out! Let me tell you my plan. Believe me, I know how stupid policemen are...

Hermes: Only because you have no respect for authority.

Bender: So true, eh? That's why I'm so great! You and I are going to go to Paris and get Cubert and Dwight back ourselves!

Hermes: Are you crazy! We don't know our way around...

Bender: Hello? Remember what I said to that Arablien loser over the phone? I have a particular set of ass-kicking skills?

Hermes: Well, it has been a while since we had an adventure together...

Bender: Why not have another one? We went to Mexico, I got you weed, I got you robot parts...after all Fry and Leela are on a double date with Kiff and Amy. That's why they won't appear in this episode.

Hermes: All right. That settles it! I'll go with you.

Bender: Awesome baby! Besides it'll be good to go to a mission without those losers Fry and Leela. And what they don't know can't hurt them.

Hermes: They won't be back for a while. Let's go to Paris!

Bender: Now you're talking! You ain't going to get nowhere by sitting around and crying. And that's a very Zoidberg thing to do! He's the last loser you want to be like. You don't want to be Zoidberg? Do you?

Hermes (standing up) : Absolutely not!

Bender: Let go on the ship to Paris and kick some Arablien ass!

Hermes: We'll go. I'll make it up to Dwight somehow!

Bender: Look! I recorded the dude's voice!

Hermes: That better not be a fart machine...

The tape Recorder Bender has plays the voice of the Arablien.

Recorded Voice of Arablien: Good luck!

Bender: We'll be able to track him down better!

Hermes: Very clever! Let's take the ship to Paris!

Bender and Hermes both run to the Planet Express ship and take off for Paris.

Hermes: Good thing we're taking the ship!

Bender: Yeah, you can't afford good air fare in these days!

The Planet Express ship took off and Farnsworth and Scruffy watched.

Farnsworth: What are they doing?

Scruffy: Have no idea.

Scene 7:

Bender lands the Planet Express ship in Paris right next to the Effell Tower. Hermes and Bender get out of the ship and start their adventure.

Hermes: We did we land here? Hey, why didn't you inspect the spaceship at the Airport?

Bender: No way, Kunta Kinte!

Hermes (angerly): Why you... (lets it go)..we have to. It's the law.

Bender: If we did, Roman Polanski's head will find us and give us cavity searches! Ever seen Rush Hour 3!

Hermes: Don't watch those lowbrow comedies. But still! Not inspecting your spaceship is against the international laws! We can get arrested and never find Cubert and Dwight!

Bender: Look! We do this my way, or you can go home and sit around and do nothing but your stupid beaurcrat work.

Hermes: (sighs) All right.

As Bender and Hermes go into Paris, they are stopped by a man's head in a jar along with some customs agents. The man who's head is in the jar was none other than Roman Polanski.

Roman Polaniski's Head: Excuse me boys!

Bender: YIKES! I told you!

Roman Polanski's Head: What is your business here in Paris?

Hermes: My son and his friend went missing in Paris. We want to find him.

Roman Polaniski's Head: Oh, is that so! Before you do that, we need to search you!

Bender: Crap! We're boned! This is like my stint in Super Duper Max all over again!

Then Roman Polanski's head and his customs agents were searching Bender and Hermes. As soon as that was over, they decide to set out and look for clues.

Hermes (relieved): Whew! Glad that's over. We need to look for clues!

Bender: I got it! We go to the scene of the crime. The Arc De Triumphe Boarding School.

Hermes: Good idea, but how are we going to get there?

Bender: Allow me!

Hermes stands by as Bender waits for an oncoming hovercycle coming in their direction. Bender knocks out the cyclist in one punch and him and Hermes get on board. They drive to the Arc De Triumphe Boarding School and go into Cubert and Dwight's dorm room. Hermes uses a computer in the room as Bender searches for clues.

Bender: Ah ha! Looks like signs of a struggle!

Hermes: You know a lot about that since you have a criminal record.

Bender (sees Hermes on computer): What are you doing, Junkyard Dog?

Hermes: I'm looking up the Paris Internation Airport's website to see if there's any clue of Cubert and Dwight.

Then Hermes sees a picture of Cubert and Dwight getting into the French Man's car.

Hermes: A ha! So that's how they got snatched!

Bender then sees an Arablien out on the balcony of the dorm room. Bender screams at him.

Hermes: What is it, Bender?

Bender: This Arablien returned to the scene of the crime!

The Arablien runs away.

Bender: Let's chase him!

Hermes: On it!

Bender and Hermes chase the Arablien out of the balcony of the dorm room. The Arablien jumps as does Bender and Hermes who both land in garbage cans. They get up and brush themselves off. Then they continue to chase the Arablien.

Hermes: Come back here! What did you do to my son?!

Bender: We need to ask you a few questions, freak!

Arablien: Get away from me you stupid Infidels! I must kill myself for Allah!

Then the Arablien allows himself to get hit by a hovertruck. The Arablien's head comes off. Bender and Hermes go to his dead corpse.

Bender: What a dumb criminal! Returning to the scene of the crime! Look at it this way. He sure got too a-HEAD of himself! (laughs) He'll never be the HEAD of an evil corporation!

Hermes (frustrated): Be serious for once, Dammit! Now we'll never know if he kidnapped Cubert and Dwight.

Bender: Leave your hopelessness at the door, Floyd Mayweather! We'll search his pockets! Had expirenece with this when I pickpocket!

Then Bender searches The Arablien's pockets.

Hermes: You know a lot about the criminal mind. Because you are one. You knew about returning to the scene of the crime and pickpocketing! What's next?

Bender (finds a card): YES! Got it! A business card.

Hermes: It's from a organization from Brainwash Corp.

Bender: Address is right here. We're going there right now!

Hermes: We'll need disguises.

Bender then takes out of disguises and him and Hermes put them on. Bender goes to Brainwash Corp on the hovercycle along with Hermes.

Scene 8:

Song: Alt-J's Tessalate plays

They arrive at Brainwash Corp. The house looks like a typical suburban neighborhood house. Out front it said Brainwash Corp in French. Bender takes out his tape recorder and him and Hermes enter the house dressed as Oven Cleaners. Their Oven Cleaner outfits were baseball caps and tan jumpsuits.

Hermes: I must admit. This is better than sitting around doing nothing. Glad I came.

Bender: That's right. With your smarts and know-how and my ass kicking skills, we'll find Cubert and Dwight in no time flat! One thing's for sure, Fry wouldn't be any help in this!

Hermes rings the doorbell. A Frechman answers.

French Man: Oui? Oui?

Bender and Hermes: Oven Cleaners!

Hermes: Clean your oven in 10 seconds or less!

The French Man lets them in and introduces them to his friends. The other French men were playing cards. They all talked in French accents.

Bender: My name is Latrine! And this is my associate, Chocolat!

Hermes (grunts angerly): Uhhh, yess! I'm Chocolat!

French Man: Boujour! Oui! Oui! You can clean our oven! We're just playing cards! My name is Pierre. Over here, is Antoine, Gustov, and Jacque! Americans like to think just because we're French, does not mean we're dumb and bumbling like Inspector Claustau! So don't mock us!

Bender snickers as Hermes makes his move.

Hermes: So, if you let us clean your oven, we'll do it for half price!

Bender: That's our policy, baby! And you won't pay a single dime if we don't get it done on time!

Pierre: Good good! You can get started.

Bender: Starting right now. (opens oven) We're going on.

Antoine: Good luck!

Bender then plays his tape recorder and Antoine's voice matched the one to the tape recorder!

Hermes: So it's YOU! (points to Antoine)

Gustav: What is the meaning of THIS!

Bender: You both kidnapped two preteen boys from a Boarding School! That's what!

Jacque: You have no proof! We're just a bunch of regular guys...

Bender: You'll be a bunch of regular dead guys soon! (takes out a cattle prod from his compartment)

Hermes: What did you do to my son! (shows the Frechmen Cubert and Dwight's picture)

Antoine: Everyone, morph!

Jacque, Antoine, Pierre, and Gustav all morphed themselves into Arabliens! Bender then beats up and knocks out all the Arabliens by punching and kicking! Bender takes Antoine to a sink of full dirty water and dunks his head in it.

Bender: Where are those boys!

Antoine: I'll never tell!

Bender: You asked for it!

Then Bender dunks Antoine's head in the dirty sinkwater and electricutes him with the cattle prod. Even Hermes joins the fight.

Antoine (screaming and gurgling in the dirty sinkwater): BLUB! BLUB! BLUB! BLUB!

Gustav: What is that pathetic fat black guy? Chocolat?!

Hermes: Under here! (limboing)

Gustav: Under where?

Hermes (punches Gustav in the stomach): Limbo Champion! 10 consecutive years in a row! Hmmmm. Slick move! Should do that to Zoidberg sometime! (laughs)

Gustav: AAAAHHHH!

Bender punches Pierre into the open oven and closes the door. The Arabliens wake up and demand Bender to stop.

Antoine: Get our leader out of there!

Hermes: Not until you tell us where these boys are! (shows the picture of Cubert and Dwight)

Jacque: You have him in the oven, don't you?

Bender: No, we don't! (lights a match): Now, if my old friend Pierre is in this oven, would I do this!

Hermes and the Arabliens watch Bender throws the match into the oven. The oven explodes and the Arabliens get knocked out and give in. The kitchen was torn apart.

Bender: Where are these boys?!

Jacque: OKay. We have boys on the side of the house.

Antoine: The girls are on the left.

Bender: Thanks, buddy! (punches Jacque in the face) Like to see Leela try to fight like that!

Hermes: Hope you all burn in hell!

Bender and Hermes go upstairs to find some boys who were all laying in beds all drugged. Then Hermes sees one that looks like Dwight.

Hermes: Look! It's Dwight!

Song Ends.

Bender turns the boy over, and it wasn't Dwight. Just a boy wearing his shirt.

Hermes: We'll never find them.

Bender: Maybe he knows something. Victims do know some of the things criminals do. You should watch Law and Order SVU. (to the boy): excuse me, did you see two preteen boys? One with red hair and one with dreadlocks.

Boy: Yes. The one with dreadlocks gave me this shirt.

Hermes: That's him!

Boy: The other one and the dreadlocked one just left on a hovertruck that comes by here every 20 minutes. The hovertruck takes us to an auction where they brainwash us. The auction is at a Silverdome 5 miles from here.

Bender: Good, that's all we want to know.

Hermes: Should we wait for 20 minutes?

Bender: Oh, hell no! We take action now! After all it is across town! (singing) Let's go already!

And with that, Bender and Hermes leave the Brainwash Corp house and head to the silverdome.

Scene 9:

Night begins to fall as Bender and Hermes run to the Silverdome. They are almost there until Bender gets sidetracked by a street performer with a guitar singing California Girls.

Street Performer (singing in French accent): The Midwest Farmer's daughter...

Bender: Excuse me a minute!

Hermes: What are you doing? We haven't much time! If we don't act now, Cubert and Dwight could be lost to use forever!

Bender: Just want to get El Kabong on his dude's ass!

Hermes rolls his eyes and stands by and watches Bender beat up the Street Performer and hits him over the head with his guitar.

Bender: KA-BONG! California Girls can bite my shiny metal ass! New New York girls are hotter!

Hermes and Bender approach the silverdome and see a bunch of Arabliens going inside. Some of them have captive boys and girls. Bender and Hermes hide in the bushes.

Bender: We'll disguise ourselves again.

Hermes: Sweet Drawbridge of Breckenridge! We are so close! (nervous) Please let Cubert and Dwight be there! (ringing his hands)

Moments later, some Arabliens see Bender and Hermes disguised as Arabliens wearing mideastern cloths.

Bender: Uhhh, last minute acution buyers!

Hermes: Indeed! We just came in from Saudi-Arabistan!

Bender: It's such a great day to buy a solider!

Arablien: You seem to be one of us! Come on in!

Hermes: Death to America!

Bender: American Beef and Potato bring 'crappiness' to my mouth!

The Arabliens lead them into the Silverdome. They see a machine on the stage that brainwashes boys. Bender and Hermes take their seats. The auction begins. A boy goes into the machine one by one. The Brainwashing Machine looks like a brown kiosk booth and has lasers inside that brainwash people.

Hermes: Remember, once we see Cubert and Dwight, we bid like there's no tommorow.

Bender: Gotcha, pal!

As the auction goes on, a voice keeps saying, going once, going twice, sold!

Voice: Now we save the best for last. If you want some boys for your arsenal...

Then Cubert and Dwight looking dazed go inside the Brainwashing Machine. Then they come out. They were both wearing army uniforms.

Voice: Any buyers? Going once!

Hermes and Bender try to outbid each other.

Bender: One million!

Hermes: Two million!

Bender: Three and a half!

Hermes: Oh, yeah! 6!

Bender: 10!

Hermes: 17!

Bender: 25!

Hermes: 37!

Bender: A billion, kajillion dollars!

Voice: Going once, going twice sold! To the Arablien that doesn't quite get it!

Bender: Oh your God we did it!

Hermes: Yes! Jamaican me crazy! Cubert and Dwight are saved!

Bender and Hermes cheer and high five each other. Just as they were about to claim Cubert and Dwight, they are stopped by Arabliens.

Arablien #1: You have the money for this, right?

Bender (looks through his pockets): Uh, think so...

Arablien #2: We people are a rich kind...

Arablien #3: This is suspicious...

Hermes: How about I put it on my Gold Card?

Arablien #4: We have no Gold Cards on our planet...

Bender: Uhhh, would an Easy Payment Plan be good?

Hermes: Do you take Debit? (takes out card)

The Arabliens get wise and take off Bender and Hermes's disguises.

Arablien #2: Wait a minute! You're not Arabliens!

Arablien #3: You're infidels!

Arablien #1: GET THEM!

Bender: Awww, dammit! What a great time to forget my fake ID!

Hermes: We were so close!

The Arabliens attack Bender and Hermes. They knock out Hermes with punches and knock out Bender with electricity. Bender and Hermes were both knocked out. Meanwhile Cubert and Dwight were purchased by an Arablien Sheikh.

Scene 10:

Somewhere beneath the Silverdome, there was a dark boiler room. Bender and Hermes were there and they are both waking up after being knocked out. An Arablien Guard was there to taunt them.

Arablien Guard: Wake up fools! Wakey Wakey, froglegs and bacy!

Bender and Hermes both find themselves shackled by the wrists to a pipe.

Hermes (shouts): GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

Bender: Hermes, you have to be a little less Mel Gibson and a little more Liam Neeson! What did you do to those kids, you son of a bitch?

Arablien Guard: You mean that redhead and the one with drealocks? They're going to be lead to a river cruise. Then the cruise will be leading to a spaceship that that's going to Saudi-Arabistan where they will be soliders for the king!

Hermes: You sick bastards! How could you do that to kids?

Arablien Guard: You don't understand. Selling kids to be soliders. We're a business...

Bender: Allow me, Hermes. Hey, Garson! Are you familiar with The Incredible Hulk?

Arablien Guard: No. Our culture doesn't like those infidel superheroes.

Bender: Want to know what Lou Ferrigno's best line was?

Arablien Guard: No, and I don't care.

Bender: It's, 'You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry'!

Then Bender breaks himself and Hermes free from the wrist shackles, Bender's brute strength broke the pipe which causes the pipe to break and land on the Guard.

Hermes: Good work, Bender!

Bender (breaks out of wristcuffs): Now to get you out of yours! Usually get Fry out of these.

As Bender gets Hermes out of the shackles, they run out of the Boiler Room and see in the distance Cubert and Dwight both in a hypnotic trance being lead inside a hovercar by Arabliens that drives away. They chase after them.

Hermes: It's them! We need to get to them!

Bender (sees a limo): We'll take that hoverlimo.

Hermes and Bender were about to enter the hoverlimo until they are stopped by a chauffer.

Chauffer: You cannot enter unless you are Tom Brokaw's head.

Bender: I AM Tom Brokaw!

Chauffer: Why do you look like a robot?

Bender: I upgraded myself in a robot's body.

Chauffer: OKay, your story checks out. (sees Hermes) Who's this?

Bender: That's my African Butler, Jimmy JJ Walker. He only knows one word on English. What is it, JJ?

Hermes: DYNOMITE!

Chauffer: Come in!

Bender and Hermes go inside the hoverlimo and Bender starts driving fast through the city of Paris chsaing the car Cubert and Dwight were in. Outside the enterance of the Silverdome, a butler was carrying Tom Brokaw's head.

Tom Brokaw's Head: My Car! My Car! Somebody stole my car!

Back in the hoverlimo, Hermes hits Bender.

Bender: What the hell was that for? I'm trying to help you get your son back, and that's how you repay me?

Hermes: Never forgive you for that Jimmy JJ Walker remark!

Bender: Shut up, Joe Fraiser! Just like healthcare and doctors, if you like your Jamaican Heritage, you can keep it! Do you want to get Cubert and Dwight back or not?

Hermes: Yes of course! (angerly) Maybe I should make fun of you about your Mexican heritage! Old El Paso!

Bender: Check this out, I'll drive down these stairs!

The hovercar ahead of them was reaching the river and the cruise. Bender drove down the stairs and then all over Paris in hot prusuit. A huge hovercar chase ensues as they leave chaos in their wake, with cars honking, people screaming, and running away, and car crashes as well.

Hermes: Be careful! We want to save them in one piece, do we? Why don't you use a GPS system?

Bender: I'm 50% GPS system!

The hovercar reached the cruiseship in the river and the Arabliens inside take Cubert and Dwight out of the hovercar and into the cruiseship. Bender was just yards away from the river until he drives fast and is about to crash the hoverlimo into the river.

Hermes: Don't tell me we have to jump, do we!

Bender: On the count of three, we jump! Ready? One...two...

Hermes and Bender jump out of the hoverlimo and Bender carries Hermes onto the cruiseship. The hoverlimo crashes into the water. Bender then takes out some laser guns from his compartment. He has one for himself, and one to Hermes.

Song: Pheonix's Just Trying To Be Cool Plays

Bender: Now, here comes the fun part! Shoot anything that looks like an Arablien!

Hermes (nervous): But I never shot anyone before!

Bender: They're Arabliens who cares! They wouldn't care if you got shot! I'll go this way, you go that way!

Hermes was walking away all nervous as Bender was looking for some Arabliens to shoot. Some cornered Bender.

Arablien #5: Infidel robot!

Arablien #6: We must suicide bomb you for Allah!

Bender (shoots both Arabliens): I just banned the Taliban! (laughs) This is so much fun! Feel like I'm on Grand Theft Auto!

On the other side of the ship, Hermes then gets cornered by Arabliens.

Arablien #7: Infidel!

Arablien #8: This Infidel is a black guy! He'll be fun to kill!

Hermes (shoots both Arabliens): Wow! (chuckles) That was kind of fun!

Bender sees more Arabliens come after him. He hides in a corner waiting for them to arrive laughing to himself.

Arablien #9: There's word, infidels are on this ship!

Arablien #10: Let's get them!

The Arabliens both uluvate and Bender comes out of hiding and shoots them both.

Bender (mocking): Ock! Moulck Smock! Terrorize THAT, towel headed losers!

Hermes looks inside the ship and sees Cubert and Dwight being taken to a room.

Bender: What are you looking at there, Hermes?

Hermes: Cubert and Dwight are in there! We need to go in!

Bender and Hermes both enter the inside of the cruiseship. It looked like a swanky 5 star resturant inside. Bender gets a bottle of champagne.

Hermes: What are you going to do with that?

Bender: You'll see.

An Arablien comes up to Bender to ask about the champagne.

Arablien Butler: What kind of champagne is that, sir?

Bender: it's a very good kind, sir.

Arablien Butler: What year?

Bender: Vintage! 77!

Song Ends

The Arablien Butler is knocked out with the champagne bottle by Bender. Hermes then enters the room and Bender soon follows. Inside the room there was an Arablien Sheikh who was sitting on a lavish bed who has Cubert and Dwight with him. Cubert and Dwight were both in hypnotic trances.

Bender: Freeze Punk! (points laser gun at the Sheikh)

Hermes: Dwight! It's me! Daddy! Cubert! You're saved too!

Arablien Sheikh: You both better get out of here!

Hermes: Never! Not until you give me back my son!

Bender: Who the (beep) are you?

Arablien Sheikh: I'm the king. King of Saudi-Arabistan! These boys are my property now.

Bender: You're about to be King of Pain in a minute.

Arablien Sheikh: They're my sons now! They're going to be soliders to fight in war. Who knows? I might even make them be suicide bombers! Accroding to the laws of Saudi-Arabistan, whoever we kidnap and brainwash, Earth will have no legal right to them, anymore.

Bender: Don't preach the law to me! Who cares what laws apply in your dog and pony planet! (points gun at the Sheikh). You don't know who you're dealing with?

Arablien Sheikh: Yeah? And what power do you have, robot?

Bender (raging): You're dealing with the most badass, hardcore, greatest most awesome and powerful robot in the world! Me! Bender! You're about to be Swiss cheese! Do you know what 'six in the belly' means? (points gun and is about to shoot)

Hermes: Hope you know what you're doing!

Arablien Sheikh: What will you do with me?

Bender: You're going to go on a trip! I'm going to take you on a ride! You're about to go to that afterlife you all believe in where you're going to get 50 virgins! And when you get there, tell them Bender sent you! When you see Allah, tell him to Bite My Shiny Metal ASS!

Hermes gets Cubert and Dwight while Bender shoots the Arablien Sheikh repeatedly and the Arablien Sheikh screams in pain. Bender screams as he's shooting the Arablien Sheikh. Hermes screams in terror as he sees it unfold before him. Cubert and Dwight get out of their trance. The Arablien Sheikh was now dead, laying in a pool of his own blood.

Cubert: Where am I?

Dwight: Dad? Is that you?

Hermes: Is it, Dwight! Come to Papa!

Dwight hugs Hermes. Bender sees the Arablien Shiekh bled to death.

Bender: He's a jelly doughnut now! What do you know? I killed a king today! Neat!

Cubert (walks up to Bender): Dad sent YOU to save me, Bender? That is so illiogical!

Bender: And so you are, kid! So are you!

Song: Cat Power's Sea Of Love plays

The cruiseship was now being driven by Bender who takes them to the Effel Tower where the Planet Express ship was. Cubert and Dwight stand next to Hermes.

Hermes: Thank you Bender for helping me save my son.

Bender: Anytime dude! Well, another adventure under our belts, eh Hermes?

Hermes: You said it! If you hadn't pushed me to come here, who knows where Cubert and Dwight would be?

Bender: You're right about that. You and I sure had a lot of fun here, didn't we.

Hermes: Must admit. It was kind of fun. I'm usually the stay at home and worry type.

Bender: Fry and Zoidberg are the stay at home and worry types. I never would have succeeded in finding them if Fry had come with me.

Hermes: He'd probably complain about no carbination in Slurm or maybe Fry would have been killed.

Bender: First we went to Mexico, then I got you weed, and now we have Paris! We definately should do this again! Just for the record and don't tell anyone, but I like you better than Fry!

Hermes: Secret's safe. (hugs Dwight)

Cubert, Dwight, Hermes, and Bender get out of the cruiseship and go into the Planet Express ship to go back to New New York.

Scene 11 Conclusion:

Back at Planet Express, in the living room Bender and Hermes were talking about their quest in Paris.

Bender: Then we stole Tom Brokaw's Car and landed on the cruise ship!

Hermes: Yes, and we even fought Arabliens until we reached the Sheikh's quarters!

Bender: I shot him up like hell won't have it!

Farnsworth: It was a big risk for you two to rescue Cubert and Dwight.

Cubert: That's funny. I remember being kidnapped, but nothing else after the boarding school!

Dwight: Neither do I. Can we go back to our old school, Dad?

Hermes: You can go back next week!

Dwight: Thanks Dad.

Cubert: No more studying aboard for us!

Bender (takes wine from his compartment): The French sure know their wine! (Drinks wine) Secretly stole this!

Just then, Amy comes in without Kiff.

Amy: Hey, guys. What have you been up to?

Farnsworth: Amy! You're back from your double date?

Amy: Kiff had to be called back to duty. Fry and Leela should be here at any minute.

Hermes: Welcome back, Amy. You just missed a very fun adventure me and Bender had.

Amy: Really? Where did you guys go?

Bender: We went to Europe because Cubert and Dwight got kidnapped by Arabliens.

Amy: Arabliens? (shudders) Heard of them. Those people give me the creeps. Where did you guys go?

Bender: Paris France!

Amy: France? YUCK! Gross! You guys are...eeeek! (walks away talking in Cantonese)

The doorbell rings and Farnsworth goes to answer the door. It was the French authories, Tom Brokaw's Head was there, too.

Bender: Must be Fry and Leela. Can't wait to shove this in their faces.

Farnsworth: What can I do for you, French policemen?

French Cop #1: We're looking for a Bender?

Tom Brokaw's Head: That's him officers!

Bender: That's me! I'm cool! What do you frogs want? (gasps) Tom Brokaw?

French Cop #2: You're under arrest! (attacks Bender)

Then Bender is knocked on the floor and the French Cops put him in handcuffs.

Bender: What's this all about?

French Cop #1: You stole Tom Brokaw's limo!

French Cop #2: We're taking you to jail!

Hermes: One thing's for sure, Bender sure knows his criminal activity! (laughs)

Farnsworth: Bender can't go anywhere without breaking the law! (laughs)

Hermes, Farnsworth, Cubert, and Dwight laugh as they see Bender get carted away by the French authories.

Bender: HELP! HELP!

Tom Brokaw's Head: Beat him with your sticks, boys!

The French Cops beat Bender with their sticks and drag Bender away.

Bender: GREAT! Now _I'm_ being TAKEN! SOMEONE HELP!

And with that, Bender gets taken into the police hovercar with the French Cops and Tom Brokaw's head. And then the police hovercar drives off into the night.

Scruffy (to the screen): Don't worry, people. Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg will be back in the next episode! Second!

THE END


End file.
